Deo Volante

Dante Aligheri once said “In God’s will, our peace.”

C.S. Lewis, the man who inspired this blog’s name, once said, “God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself because it is not there. There is no such thing.”

In the past few weeks and months, I have seen many of my dreams and plans change. I am learning to let go of my desire to be a Spanish teacher. I am learning to surrender my will to that of the Father. And I am learning that Dante was right. In God’s will is found our peace.

I lost something on Wednesday night. But I’m not angry. I was hurt. I thought I had failed. I thought that I sucked at life.

And then, I talked to my mom and Katie on the phone. I made myself a strawberry daiquiri. And then I got a good night’s sleep.

Thursday, life looked so much better. I can still graduate in December. I can still become an English teacher.

And God has a bigger, better plan for my life than I do. I don’t know what it is. And that’s scary, really scary. But it’s a better plan. There is a reason that this is happening. And in the end, it will all be so worthwhile.

In the movie, You’ve Got Mail, Jean Stapleton’s character tells Meg Ryan’s character, “You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn’t feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you’re not. You are marching into the unknown armed with… nothing. Have a sandwich.”

Then she tells Meg and Heather Burns that she had an affair with Franco.

Well, I don’t know about having affairs with fascist (or basically fascist) dictators, but I know what she means. I felt like a failure, but I think that Birdie/Jean is right about that. I’m not a failure. I’m daring to imagine that I could have a different life. Fortunately, I’m not armed with nothing-although I do like sandwiches. I have God on my side. And that’s actually pretty exciting when it all comes down to it.

Last night, I was talking to my friends Jenn and Sarah about my situation when Sarah said, “You know, this is the kind of thing that people write books about. Like, I wanted to be a doctor but then God called me to be a missionary in Africa. And I’ve never been happier.’ That’s what this reminds me of.”

Jenn, Sarah, and I agreed that this all has to be God. There is no way that, with the amount of time/energy I spent preparing and the number of people I had praying for me, this could be a fluke. This has to be God slamming a door in my very stubborn face. He clearly does not want me to be a Spanish teacher and this is the only way he can get that through my skull.

So, God, drive on. I’ll just try to hang on for dear life and see where you take me.

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