Austentatious Cocktails

I was just sitting there when a thought popped into my head. “What kind of cocktails would Anne Eliot drink? Like, imagine that the Austen characters lived in the twenty-first century, and they went to bars or whatever. Let’s say that Mr. Darcy, Captain Wentworth, and Anne Eliot were at the bar waiting for Lizzy Bennet to show up. What are they drinking? Mr. Darcy is drinking a g&t. Wentworth has a dark beer-probably a porter. What is Anne drinking?”

So naturally, I did went any normal Austentatious lass does at nine o’clock on a Friday night. I went on facebook and posted the following on my friend’s wall: Am I weird or do other people spend time thinking about what modern cocktails are best suited to various Austen characters too?

She told me to write a blog post about it. Here you go, Katie.

Fitzwilliam Darcy: An old-fashioned; it’s classy with a lot of character. You have to know your cocktails and whisk(e)y if you want to get a good one. (He does not appreciate frou-frou fruit in his. A simple orange rind garnish will do, thank you.)

Elizabeth Bennet: Gin and tonic with just a lime; it’s not overly sweet, hard to mess up, and casual with a touch of sophistication.

Charles Bingley: A Jack-Rose; something warm and sweet

Jane Bennet: Three dollar daiquiris; the sort that can’t really have anything in them, but Jane is perpetually worried about getting drunk.

Mary Bennet: Negroni; people don’t get it, but she likes it. It’s a strong taste and not everyone likes it, but it fulfills her. It’s an acquired taste.

Lady Catherine DeBourgh: Rob Roys; she loves her Scotch, and she has very strong opinions about The Right Kind of Scotch-both age and producer. (She’s actually usually wrong, but her nephew Colonel Fitzwilliam [the real Scotch expert of the clan] won’t argue with her about that. It’s not worth it.)

Mr. Collins: He will drink whatever his esteemed patroness, Lady Catherine DeBourgh, tells him to drink even if he doesn’t like it. Sometimes she makes him drink a Tom Collins because she thinks that’s funny.

Charlotte Collins: Lady Catherine DeBourgh has many recommendations for her, and Charlotte listens gracefully and accepts what she is given without complaint. However, when she has her druthers, she really enjoys mint juleps. Mint and bourbon? It’s eccentric enough for her.

Lydia Bennet: Shots of lemon drops followed by tequila until she is blackout hammered; straight….mildly bad ideas leading to really bad ideas.

Emma Woodhouse: The Last Word; the name fits, and also at first it can be too much if you’re not braced for it. It’s very strong things that are balanced, which she isn’t at first, but she becomes so.

George Knightley: Dark and stormy; it suits his soul well.

Edmund Bertram: Port-really good port; he has deep theological conversations with Edward Ferrars over port.

Fanny Price: Sherry or wine that has a pretty low ABV.

Marianne Dashwood: She wants to drink the fanciest, fussiest shit out there, and she doesn’t actually understand the flavors, but she wants the essential experience of the fanciest hipster shit. She’s also open to suggestions from whatever guy (John Willoughby) wants to mansplain cocktails to her.

Colonel Christopher Brandon: Cognac; it just suits him.

Elinor Dashwood: Normally, she’s the DD, but when she’s with friends (and not Marianne) or Edward, she likes strong liquors. Sometimes she prefers fruity drinks, other times more bitter drinks. And sometimes, she just needs to shoot tequila.

Edward Ferrars: As portrayed by Dan Stevens, he drinks a sidecar-classic but easy-going; it’s the intelligent choice. As portrayed by Hugh Grant, he orders a rum and coke; he can’t think of anything else to order.

Captain Frederick Wentworth: Dark beers; he especially enjoys a good porter. (Please do not ask about the fussy little drinks that Louisa Musgrove tried to get him to drink.)

Anne Eliot: She likes absinthe. She will drink straight, but she also enjoys sipping a nice Sazerac or Corpse Reviver #2.

George Wickham: Absolut in various flavors…and then he collects the bottles and makes them into shitty, obnoxious lamps.

John Willoughby: Strong stuff straight

Frank Churchill: He drinks wine coolers, but really fancy wine coolers from indie wineries that he has to drive 25 miles to get.


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