Why I Want to Get Married

I was recently asked why I want to get married. The quick easy answer for me is “because I want a KitchenAid.” (No seriously, I do, and I don’t understand [other than the cost] why I have to wait until I get married to get one. But if you want to buy me one, I’d love to have one. Also, I kind of want a purple one, but I’m not going to be picky.)

Also, I’ve put a lot of time and energy into building up my “Planning for my Maybe, Possibly, Someday Wedding” Pinterest board, and it’d be nice to get to use some of those ideas.

I jest.

The real answer is more complicated. See, I’m Byzantine Catholic, and marriage is one of our seven sacraments. As Catholics, we define a sacrament as “an outward sign of an inward grace.” Well, hey, I like grace. I always want more of it. I definitely need more of it. So if there’s something that’s going to get me more grace, well, sign me up!

In Genesis, God says that is not good for Adam to be alone, and therefore he created Eve. (Gen. 2:18) I accept that. We aren’t made to be alone; we are made to live with other people. Marriage can help in this area, but that’s not entirely satisfactory reason for me. I have friends. I have family. Do I really need to get married just to keep me from being alone? Well, marriage does require a different sort of companionship and commitment than my relationship with my housemates does. It is a different kind of love.

Marriage is meant to be a mirror of the love of the Trinity. Cardinal Dolan explains that far better than I could ever dare, so just read him on the subject. Please.

In I John, St. John tells us that “God is love and the one abides in God abides in love and God abides in him.” (I John 4:16) I love that idea. I love it. Love comes from God, and if we are followers of God, then we must be mirrors of his love to the world. Marriage is a way of mirroring that love. But this is where that gets hard…

A few years ago, Haley of Carrots for Michaelmas wrote a post entitled “Marriage is a Kind of Death.” The title is a little shocking/jolting, but as I read it, I had to agree with that assertion. In the Gospel of John, Jesus tells us to “love one another as I have loved you.” (John 13:34) How did Christ love us? What was his greatest expression of love for us?

Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Phil. 2:6-11)

That is love. That’s the way that we’re supposed to love one another. That’s the love that our marriages are supposed to reflect to the world. I want to live that love. I want to be Jesus to those around me. Now, I don’t need to get married for that, but that’s what married love is supposed to be. And if I get married, that’s what I want. Is it hard? Yes. Will it require sacrifices from me? Yes. But will it be worth it? I believe yes.

The day after his wedding, Blessed Charles of Austria reportedly told his wife “Now we must help each other get to heaven.” That, to me, is one of the primary aims of marriage. Marriage is designed to draw us closer to God. It is supposed to help us to grow in holiness-by laying down our lives out of love for others. And this life then ought to be a witness to the world of God’s love for all of us.

A few years ago, I told a friend of mine that I don’t want to GET married; I want to BE married. The idea of a big wedding and having a party where I’m the center of attention is about as attractive to me as being boiled in oil. But on the other hand, I want to be married. I want to have a marriage; I’m just not enthusiastic about the part of my wedding where there will be people paying all kinds of attention to me.

When I recently told one of my housemates about this, she corrected me. “You don’t JUST want to GET married. You ALSO want to BE married.” She pointed out that the actual “getting married” part is the whole thing in the church, and I want that. I really do want to have a beautiful church wedding with all of the rituals and traditions that are inherent to a Byzantine Catholic wedding. But my desire to get married isn’t just about the wedding day. It’s about the life that comes with it.

I don’t want just the pretty day. I want the life that comes with it. I want the challenge of daily surrender, of putting another person (other people if I am blessed with children) ahead of myself. I want the life lived in the service of others.

I want to be married because I want to be a part of a union that reflects the love of God to the world. I want to be married so that I can live the love of Christ in a daily basis as my husband and I build a family. I want to be married because I want to build and encourage the Body of Christ. I want to be married because I believe that God has called me to marriage.

That’s the bottom line. It’s not Pinterest. It’s not the Kitchen Aid. It’s Christ crucified. (I Cor 1:23)

I believe that I was called to marriage. I believe that when I was 18 years old the Lord told me that I was made to be a wife and mother. And I believe that he has repeated that call to my heart and on my life multiple times since then.

So why do I want to get married? I want to do the will of God in all things.

Why I “Go Vegan” for Lent

For the second year in a row, I’m choosing to become vegan for the Lenten season, which began today in my church tradition. After making this decision for myself last year, I posted something about it on Facebook because I know that I have several friends who are vegan and I was looking for some ideas for recipes and cookbooks. I received some really helpful advice both about recipes/cookbooks but also about nutrition and what are really good non-meat sources of protein. Overall, it was a really useful exchange for me.

Aunt Voula is here to help. Photo courtesy of Quickmeme.com.

But I was also asked at least once why I choose to do that. And one of those commenters (probably unintentionally) mocked my choice. The choice that I’m making is to follow as much as I can the rules of strict fast for Eastern Christians. (They’re not followed as widely in 21st century America as perhaps they ought to be, which is why Auntie Voula doesn’t know how to cook without meat.) This means that I’m avoiding meat, meat products, fish, eggs, dairy-ha, I do that anyway, and wine. I’m supposed to avoid oil too, but um, that’s crucial to my cooking. This is a sacrifice that I’m choosing to make, and it’s not for everyone.

The reason why I make this choice is simple. Lent is about sacrifice. It is about drawing closer to the Lord. The basic idea of Lent comes from the forty days Christ spent praying in the desert after his Baptism and before beginning his public ministry. If you remember this story (Mt. 4:1-11 and Lk. 4:1-13), this season in the desert ends with direct temptation by Satan. Similarly, the Catholic and Orthodox Churches (as well as some Protestant Churches) celebrate Lent as a season of prayer, fasting, and penance to help prepare ourselves to better celebrate the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Christ.

Christ the Bridegroom

For me, one way to do this is to find ways to simplify my life. What can I remove from my life to help me to focus more on God? Meat might seem like an odd answer, but it does help me to make my life more simple and to think of myself less. For the record, this Lent, my plan is eat pretty much just lentil soup, vegan split pea soup, and a kale-quinoa dish that I love on a two or three week rotation. This offers me the opportunity make sacrifices, to simplify my life, and to (theoretically) focus more on Christ and less on myself.

In exchange, I’m hoping to pray more and focus my attentions more on other than on myself.

Lent for Singles?

Lent is drawing nigh. For Eastern Christians following the Gregorian calendar it begins in 13 days. For Western Christians, it begins in 15 days. For Eastern Christians following the Julian calendar, it begins in 20 days. Simply put, it is coming.

Picture from the Catholic Community at the University of Nottingham

As I’ve discussed in several previous posts over the years, I struggle with Lent. I often struggle with what sacrifices I ought to make for this season. What should be my focus/theme for this season? How can I grow?

I have a Lenten-themed Pinterest board where I collect various ideas that I might find useful for Lent. It’s a small board, and most of the pins are vegan recipes because I “went vegan” for Lent last year, and I plan to do it again. Yesterday, I decided to search Pinterest to see if I could find any ideas for devotionals or prayers or anything of that ilk that I could add to my board. Most of what I found however was “Lenten Activities FOR YOUR FAMILY.” I found posts for teens and posts for families with young children. Sadly, I didn’t find much in the way of “Lenten Activities for Anyone and Everyone.”

At first, I was a little frustrated by this. Now, I know that most of these ideas/posts come from “Mom Blogs.” They were written by good women (or men) who are trying to raise their families in a good and holy fashion, and they’re trying to share what their ideas for the celebration/honoring of Lent with other similarly minded families. And that’s great. I’m glad that these people have one another.

But this leads me to any area with which I struggle. I’m currently single; I’m as single as the day is long, which is fine. That’s where God wants me, and I believe that there is a value to this season of my life. (Plus, neither Tom Hiddleston nor Rick Porcello has shown any interest whatsoever in marrying me, so that makes it easier.) However, being single does not mean that I live a life without structure or traditions. It doesn’t mean that I’m not trying to build a life of faith. I do want to create and establish traditions. I want to be connected to the life of the larger Church. (I discussed this a little bit on my post about Advent-here.)

My struggle is this. How do I, as a single woman, build traditions? What should I be doing? I can draw ideas from blog posts or articles aimed at families or at teens, but what suggestions out there are specifically geared to me? I don’t want to be an island or a lone reed; I want to be connected to my Church, to her traditions. So how do I as an unmarried twenty something do that?

I can fast from meat and dairy products. I can go to Confession more. I can give up swearing, which I desperately need to do. I can avoid secular music and listen to only classical or liturgical music, which I’ll definitely do. I can go to the Liturgy of Presanctified Gifts at my church as often as possible. (The service is celebrated every Friday during Lent, but I’m booked with an equally important obligation for a few of those Fridays.) These are all good things to do. They are important things to do.

Here is my quandary. How do I celebrate Lent and increase my connection to the rest of the Church? Most of the activities I listed as potential Lenten sacrifices are individual acts. What can I do that will increase my connection to the rest of the Church? This is a question that I would love to have my readers respond to, but it’s also a question to which I have something of an answer.

The best answer that I’ve come up with is that I can pray. I hate being told that as a single woman I have more time for prayer than my married friends, but this might be true. Yes, I have a job. Yes, I’m in grad school. But maybe in my hsubandless, childless life, I do have more time for prayer. And if so, I can use that time for prayer. And maybe at this stage in my life, that is what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m supposed to use these quiet (seemingly endless) years to pray for my church, for our world, for my family and friends, and for myself.

This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like more recommendations as to how to engage Lent more fully as a single person. This doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that there were more people offering advice to young single women like myself who are trying to maintain Church traditions and actively engage the Church in their singleness. But maybe I need to write the blog posts that I want to read. Maybe the reason that I can’t find the blog posts or pins that I want is because they don’t exist. And maybe, just maybe, there are other single women who would like to read those posts just as much as I would.

But one thing that I can tell you for certain is this: This year, during Lent, in addition to giving up swearing and keeping strict fast and going to Confession more, I will also be taking some focused time each day to pray for others. And if you have any specific intentions that for which you’d like me to pray, feel free to drop them in the comment box. I’d love to pray for you during this upcoming Lent, and I’d love it if you’d consider praying for me.

(Also, I’m going to be re-reading The Gift of Peace: Personal Reflections during Lent.)

“Adventure”

At the beginning of 2014, I made one of my yearly goals “going on an adventure.” I was thinking Hobbitishly. I wanted to go on a trip. Perhaps I would go to Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. Maybe I could go to Europe? I was going to Jamaica for a spring break mission trip, and that promised to be an adventure. All I knew was that I wanted an adventure.

And an adventure I got. I’ve blogged before about how I had my dream job and lost it earlier this year. 2014 was a very difficult year. In mid-May, I scrawled on my desk calendar, “Jesus, be real to me.” That became my daily prayer over the course of 2014.

That prayer didn’t make my life easier. It didn’t mean that God suddenly made these difficult circumstances (unemployment/underemployment, difficulties with insurance, emotional ramifications of the previous points) magically vanish. But I find myself becoming calmer, more peaceful. I had to be brave, which I didn’t particularly like. I had to be strong, which I can do, but I didn’t really want to. However, I’ve done these things. And I’ve felt peaceful in so doing.

My year was an adventure, and my adventure continues into 2015. But I’m moving forward with a feeling of peace and a belief that God will always be with me and will always provide for me.

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the Lord—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.

-Jeremiah 29:11

My Advent Adventure

I’m Byzantine Catholic. I don’t know if I’ve ever said this explicitly on this blog, but if I haven’t, there you have it. This means that while my Church is in communion with the Pope, I’m not Roman Catholic. My Church (the Byzantine Catholic Church) has its own traditions that might look or feel or smell a little different than what my Roman Catholic friends are used to.

And I had the privilege to be raised in a family that honored those traditions. My parents did a really great job of incorporating the liturgical seasons into our family’s prayer life especially when my brother and I were young. However, as an adult, I’ve often let many of them slide because I’m single. I haven’t made a concentrated effort to observe and celebrate things because I have no one to share these traditions with at home. However, over the past few months, I’ve come to the realization that just because I can’t share my traditions with others, that doesn’t mean that I can’t develop these traditions for myself so that I can share my family if I ever have a family.

This means that on August 14 before I went to church for the vigil Divine Liturgy of the Dormition (Falling Asleep) of the Mother of God, I went to the store and bought a bouquet of flowers for the priest to bless. This is one of our traditions, and it’s something that’s easy for me to honor.

This also means that I’m trying to actually celebrate the Fast of Philip this year. This is what my Western friends call “Advent.” But their Advent looks and smells a little different than mine does. For example, while my Western friends are used to a four week Advent, my Advent, which we actually call the Fast of Philip, begins on November 15. November 15 is forty days before Christmas. (November 14 is the feast of St. Philip, hence the name.) The use of the word “Fast” implies what you might suspect-that it is a season of sacrifice and trying to draw closer to the Lord whose birth we’ll celebrate in 40 days.

There are a few things that I’m trying to incorporate into my life this year during Advent. One thing that I’m doing is choosing to fast “Byzantine-style.” In other words, I’m trying to live as a vegan as much as possible. (I will however celebrate American Thanksgiving as well as the feasts of St. Nicholas and of the Conception of St. Anna.) I’m also trying to fast from music that doesn’t encourage me to focus on the coming of Christ. This means that you’ll probably hear most of the beginning of Handel’s Messiah if you’re around me much during the next six weeks. (But that’s okay with me because one of the themes that I’m trying to work with is the “He shall purify the sons of Levi” section and the larger meaning of Malachi 3:3 for my own life.)

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Another thing that I’m doing as an Eastern variant on the Advent wreath. While the Advent wreath isn’t an Eastern tradition, I’m adopting it as a reminder of the idea of “light” in connection with Christmas. Christmas is four days after the darkest day of the year, and it is a celebration of the One who is is the Light of the World. So I want to use the candles as a reminder that no matter how dark our lives or our world may seem, there is always Christ.

(And if you’re wondering why the wreath is in front of images of three female Saints, it’s because I wanted my Theotokos of Vladimir icon with the wreath and because that’s where my St. Catherine icon and my St. Cecilia engraving fit.)

In short, I’m trying to focus during the pre-Christmas season on developing my relationship with Christ and on developing traditions that I can potentially transition into family traditions if I ever have a family. (Feel free to check out the Pinterest page where I’m trying to organize ideas.)

Next year, by the way, I want to add in a Jesse tree. I really want to add in a Jesse tree to this. And I need an icon of the Nativity of Christ. And I want an icon of the ancestors of Christ that I can use especially during Advent.

Instant September

I decided it would be fun to show you some of my September through the lens of my Instagram feed. (Feel free to follow me!) It isn’t a detailed commentary on my month, but it gives a fun (at least to me) view of what I’ve been doing this month.

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Revisiting one of my favorite books (The Swan Thieves) yet again…I love books that are like old friends.

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Start of school wish from the neighborhood elementary school

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Working on pattern photos for an upcoming fall pattern release

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Seriously loving this color combo #knitting #maizenblue

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What the dark blue was really for…I love this project.

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Baby dress in progress…the FO is gorgeous.

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All done! (I get to give this to its rightful owner next Saturday. I’m so excited.)

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  Finished baby dress…I love this.

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Just starting my lady sunnyside…I’m really liking cables in ravine

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   Comerica Park…the happiest place on earth

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   Love. (Rick Porcello, my Tiger.)

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  Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

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win or lose…I’ll always love you. #baseball #detroitpride #tigers

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We want a (blackberry) shrubbery!

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Behold a shrubbery!

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Soy blackberry latte…happy Michaelmas to me!

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Blocking on my bed…part of me wants to keep this.

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They actually spelled my name correctly.

Advice for Graduating Seniors

This morning, I was asked to give the school paper one piece of advice for the seniors as they graduate. (In 14 days, when did that happen?) I made myself a list and asked for some recommendations on facebook.  Here’s my list with commentary:

  1. We’re all stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh? (Doctor Who) I love this quotation. It’s from the fifth series finale, and it serves as a reminder to me (an English teacher, remember) that our legacy on this earth is our stories and the stories that are told about us. We should strive to leave good stories behind us.
  2. Life is pain, ladies and gentlemen. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something. (The Princess Bride) Life is hard. Life is incredibly hard, and you should never believe anyone who tells you otherwise. But it is also incredibly worthwhile.
  3. Avoid the university bookstore. Amazon is your friend. This is pretty easy to understand.
  4. “Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” (JM Barrie) We don’t know everything that is going on in someone else’s life and we need to be compassionate towards others.
  5. See the good in everyone. No one is perfect. Again, we don’t know what’s happening in others’ lives. We need to be compassionate.
  6. Mumford and Sons, they were right. Where you invest your love, you invest your life. Choose wisely. Your love ends up guiding your life. The people and things that you love become parts of your soul.
  7. Do your best. Never let anyone call you mediocre. I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory.
  8. Be brave with your life. Don’t let anyone tell you who or what you can be. Do not be afraid. Do what you want to do with your life. Don’t let other people hold you back.
  9. The time to make up your mind about people is never. (The Philadelphia Story) Spend your life learning about the human race.
  10. You’ll never be a first-rate human being until you’ve learned to have some regard for human frailty. (The Philadelphia Story) We need to learn to see the good in others and to respect the fact that we are fallen humans. We need to show compassion and mercy.
  11. No man is a failure who has friends. (It’s a Wonderful Life) Friendship, community-those are two of the greatest accomplishments in the world. If you have friends, true friends, you cannot be a failure.
  12. Learn to love without condition. Talk without bad intention. Give without any reason. And most of all, care for people without any expectation. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. Don’t expect people to be something for you or do something. Just love them as they are. It’s not easy, but hopefully, it will be good.
  13. Do all things with love. Simply put, love always.